we wept. tears falling. faces crumpling. eyes to eyes. eyes to eyes - the rarity of that occasion let's me realise how important she is to me. foes to friends to lovers to friend-se to nil. i have never had such a rollercoaster ride. if given a chance to turn back time, i would have done things differently. but i guess the present is the present, what's done is done. tears falling, but this time alone.

i am listening to november rain now and it resounds. everything seems to fit how i feel. it isn't bitternes. it's just guilt, regret, and...

<>

i met her sometime ago. on a weird day in a weird way. i was half playing my computer game half typing gibberish on the screen talking shit throwing ramblings in her face and it pissed her off. after that we didn't talk for a while and it was only after my continuous insisting nature that we started to talk properly. after that we paged each other occasionally. i remembered the first page i gave her -- some wave file about an indian and a dog. i found it hilarious so i left it on her voice mail. she found it hilarious as well and paged back with her 'ah-lianish' voice. well at least it sounded ah lianish on the first impression, but that voice eventually sounded like one of the most pleasant things i have ever heard over the phone.

well anyway, things between us have always been a slow moving fast foward. what that means is that a lot of significant events can occour between us in a matter of days, and these days can seem like weeks. i've only known her for some 3 months, but gosh, it feels much more like half a year. honestly i have never experienced such an eclipse of time before. 3 months and i managed to know a person practically inside-out, and vice-versa.

i found myself falling for this sweet looking girl. not because she was sweet looking, but because of the critical (cynical), angsty, negative, inferiority complex, humourous, sarcastic, astonishing, fascinating, rebellious, relentless, temperamental, sentimental, caring, daring, flaring, glaring (when we went out, she glared at people on my behalf), motivated, stagnant, and most of all, special special person she was. i have never met anyone who infuriated me as much as she made me love her.

for long periods, it was a one sided thing. Till one day we decided to go over to my house and dye my hair. After that occasion, I don't know. A miracle happened. Love was met on both sides, affection blossomed, cherishment flourished, and tenderness was groomed. but she and i were never meant for relationships. it just didn't seem to fit. it got slightly awkward after one week, and the moment we 'broke up', we got back together, but not as a couple, but as something i fondly termed as Friends-SE. I didn't know what it really meant, but i knew it went along the lines of being friends with plus plus plus, that is, the sharing of affection and open arms of each other's fondness for each other.

the situation was set and everything was falling into place, till things that naturally seem so right eventually seemed so wrong. we changed. or maybe i did. i don't want to disclose too much of her private thoughts on the net, but i guess i made something that didn't matter all that much come between us.

i talked with a big mouthed things she didn't think of initially. and when i felt apologetic for the things i had said, i realised i had already put the ideas in her head.

i know the meaning of heartbreak. it is the feeling i am having now, knowing that i have altered any possible future between us. the Friends-SE contract was sheered. Maybe it was a silly idea from the start...I could have that mentality. But I know, deep in my heart, I have made the gravest mistake of my life so far. Because I have given away a large portion of my future to jealousy. Something I have never felt before to be honest. Not over any girl anyway.

Maybe I will meet someone new. Maybe I'll meet someone and we'll have a less complicated relationship between us. Maybe I can meet someone where we just be an official couple instead of tentatively treading between frinedship and lovers. Maybe, who knows. I wouldn't know who I will meet, but I do know something.

Maybe we might meet again in 20 year's time and catch up on each other's lives.

Maybe we won't. Maybe one of us might suffer a freak accident and the other might not even know. You never know. Life is a strange thing.

Maybe this isn't the end and merely the beginning.

Maybe this is truly the last day we'll ever share.

Maybe one day I'll come back to my homepage and read all the above paragraphs and laugh it off.

Maybe one day I'll come back to my homepage and sigh to myself, for the mistakes I have made.

Maybe the page might simply get deleted off the face of this cyber world.

I guess she'll move on. She always does. I've always made it a constant mission of mine to make her happy, but what a contradiction I turned out to be. I'm in the mood for sad tunes and all that now. I"ve never felt so disgusted and ashamed of myself, for coming up empty. If only things had turned out differently, if only I could do things differently now. Maybe I could maybe I couldn't. We won't find out now.

It's a comfort to know she is safe. She has found God again. I wish I had her strength, but I think my heart is being strangled. She has given me the most astonishingly pissing off/pleasant times. I have loved others before, but I have never loved both sides of the coin as I do for her. She could really do nasty things, like completely shut off my reasoning and slam down the phone. I was pissed but i never minded. She could concludeme a jerk and I minded but not for long. She's often late for our uotings and I'd gvie her a dirty look for a few minutes before it cleared up to a smile. It's safe to say she has had the same tolerance for me becasue I am truly an arrogant egoistic jerk at times. But she always found it in her heart to forgive me. But this time, the cut is too deep. The impression is permanent. I will never hold her again. My eyes weep, my heart aches. But I won't disrespect her. Why? Because I love her.

Despite what has happened between the two of us, I suppose I can rest assure that the two of us are still staring up at the same night sky. Still watching the same moon through our different eyes. I know perhaps on occasions, her eyes and my eyes might gleam with brimming tears once again. tearing once again while thinking of how things could have been, but never was, and never will be. i think tonight i will start a diary. i will start a diary simply because it is a significant day to me. what date is it today? let me check...19th June 2000. I'll open the book and scribble "the day my future changed is the day this diary began". Hopefully as the day past I will see changes in my life. I will grab a highlighter, no no...I'm grab a few highlighters and highlight the entire page. It almost gives off a neon glow, the way she gave me that neon hue around my heart. I won't forgot our Friend-SE relationship ever, Fion. You were, and always will be, the one and only neon baby in my life.

Thank you for all the memories.

 

Darren 20th June/2000
1.30am